Embracing Uncertainty: We Can't Avoid Pain Without Losing Part of Our Identity

There's a gift that comes with uncertainty... the unknown... because it causes us to look God for guidance, hope, and clarity. It comes with an increased drive to seek Him out and feel His presence in our lives. We want the peace that comes with knowing what lies ahead. When that knowledge is taken from us, for one reason or another, we are left searching for peace of mind outside of ourselves. I believe that uncertainty is a catalyst for strengthening our relationship with God and building our trust in Him. Often times when we are comfortable in our situation we get lackadaisical in our pursuit of guidance from God. I think it's just human nature. Being comfortable is nice, but it stunts our growth. I think change requires us to be uncomfortable. It triggers our desire for something different, something more. It drives action in places where we once were stagnant... and that is a gift.

I received news this past week that put me in a state of uncertainty.  It's interesting... I think this whole year has been a year of uncertainty for me. Everything from my job to my religious beliefs has left me feeling unsure about what lies ahead. I learned through questioning my beliefs that life isn't so much about "knowing" but rather "choosing". I have had to decide what I want to choose to believe in. I think that is the aspect of faith we sometimes forget to emphasize. Faith is action... well in order for action to take place, we must first make a choice. I think our ability to choose is extremely powerful, and at the end of the day, a determinant of what our future will hold. We choose what we believe, we choose what we want to become, we ultimately make choices (whether big or small) that define who we are and how we see the world. When we become clear on the power of our choices, we see the influence we hold in how things play out.

In business school I felt inspired to write my dissertation on authentic leadership, specifically the role of critical life events and how they lead us to become more authentic leaders. This was a topic I was unfamiliar with but felt strongly guided to learn more about. What I discovered from researching, interviewing, and writing, was that through uncertainty we are able to grow into more authentic versions of ourselves. We are able to gain greater self-awareness and empathy for others. We are also able to use our critical life events as a catalyst for identity development through the process of reflection. The leaders I interviewed all spoke of the power of uncertainty through critical life events and how that is what pushed them into a period of questioning who they were and who they wanted to become. They learned more about themselves as leaders and became clear on their values and beliefs. Critical life events that cause uncertainty in our lives often trigger us to dive deep and discover what beliefs are serving us and what things we need to change in order to become more authentic and true to who we are.

I came home from business school and that year started meeting with a life coach to discover my own false beliefs. I wanted to know what things I had chosen to believe that were actually preventing me from being more authentic and living my truth. What I learned was that we all have false beliefs that we live by and, subconsciously, we allow them to define a part of who we are. Have you ever done something and wondered to yourself "why do I do this?", it is usually because somewhere deep down you have a false belief that drives your decision making. The way to get rid of a false belief is to first identify it and then get to the root of why you started to believe it in the first place. More often than not, these are beliefs you picked up as a child and held onto as truth. Sometimes they are even passed down for many generations. It requires us to reflect on our lives and discover the truth of why we believe what we believe. It's a process, and quite honestly, its time consuming and emotionally draining. However, when we are able to discover a false belief and change it, we are able to change who we are and that alone is extremely rewarding.

I also learned through this process that we lose part of our identity in our attempt to avoid feeling pain. It is normal for people to avoid pain. It is uncomfortable. I recently read a quote that said "there is no such thing as a pain free life". I started to think about all the people around the world and not one of them will go through life without experiencing pain. We all feel it at different times to different extents. Attempting to avoid pain requires us to give up something of ourselves... it requires closing off a piece of our hearts. We can't avoid pain without losing part of our identity in the process.

Every year I find that my empathy is increased but it doesn't come at a cheap cost. Empathy comes from experiencing things that allow you to relate to others. It is those hard circumstances, those painful moments, that give you insights into how others are feeling. I learned this year that problems just don't go away. Avoiding issues doesn't make them less real. I've learned that God loves all of us the same and it is our choices that determine how much of His love we let ourselves feel. His love for us will never change. I realized that by shutting off the part of ourselves that feels pain, we also shut off the part of ourselves that feels His love.  Our feelings are what make us feel alive. When we shut them off, we lose that. I think every emotion should be embraced for what it is, it should be felt, and understood. I think pain is one of life's best teachers. Pain teaches us on a soul level. It's felt at our core and awakens us to who we really are.

So even though I prefer when my life is comfortable, I know it is in the uncertainty where I grow the most. It is through the unknown that I am able to become more clear about who I am and who I want to become. It allows me to increase my trust in God as I move forward unsure of what is ahead. When nothing is certain anything is possible and that is exciting!