We lose part of our identity in our attempts to avoid feeling pain
I just came across this blog post I wrote in 2016 but never published. I felt like it was time I shared it. :)
For the majority of 2016 I felt very uncertain about my future. Events took place that altered my perception of how my life would play out. It left me feeling more vulnerable than I care to admit to. I found myself retreating from God. I suppose part of me blamed Him for my uncertainty and I let doubt overrule my faith. I found myself trying to do everything on my own. Stubbornness is no stranger to me. I didn't want to let things be up to chance. I wanted everything to work out my way on my time. Most of this was subconscious, yet looking back now and analyzing the past year, I can see exactly what I was doing.
It is normal for human beings to avoid pain. It is uncomfortable, uncertain, and demands our attention. Pain isn't something you can ignore for long. I saw a movie preview last week and heard something that really caused me to ponder. The quote was "there is no such thing as a pain free life". I started to think about all the millions of people around the world and not one of them will go through life without experiencing pain. We all feel it at different times to different extents. Pain is inevitable. We can't avoid it for long. Attempting to avoid pain requires us to give up something of ourselves... it requires closing off a piece of our hearts that truly make us who we are. We can't avoid pain without losing part of our identity in the process. I guess if I had to summarize what I have learned this past year, it would be this very concept. I think to some extent I lost part of who I was through my attempts to avoid pain.
Every year I find that my empathy is increased but it doesn't come at a cheap cost. Empathy comes from experiencing things that allow you to relate to others. It is those hard circumstances, those painful moments, that give you insights into how others are feeling. I suppose that is what this year was for me. It was, for the most part, extremely lonely. Living in Romania for 4 months, not knowing the language, and often times not feeling connected to others which led to a lot of time alone. I spent hours each day sitting in a small metal chair next to old wooden cribs filled with severely mentally disabled children who had been abandoned and some abused. My views of the world weren't so rosy after that. Many days the sadness of what I was experiencing was so overwhelming that all I wanted to do was sleep. I saw so many problems. My broken heart would break all over again every single day when I saw those children. I wished I could solve this problem, yet knew it was so much bigger than anything I could do. How are some people so fortunate and others not? Should I feel guilty for everything I have been given? Months later I can see how these experiences motivated me to do hard things that will lead to greater opportunities for me to be able to help others. I go back to the quote my mum used to tell me "you have been born to privilege and with that comes specific obligations". When she told me that she was usually referring to getting an education, being blessed with a knowledge of God, and my ability to help others who were not born into the same circumstances.
I learned this year that problems just don't go away. Avoiding issues doesn't make them less real. It is up to us to find solutions to the world's problems. Turning a blind eye won't solve anything, it just makes us ignorant. Since beginning my Masters program at St. Andrews, I have come to realize that we have so much more in common with others than we know. In fact, I believe we can find something in common with anyone we meet. Too often we focus on our differences and we let a wall form which causes close-mindedness. There are too many close-minded people inhabiting the world. Too many people that think their way is the only way and everyone else is wrong. Too many people who aren't willing to see things from another's perspective. If we want to change the world, we must first change the way we see the world... and that... is the real challenge. We say we want to change the world, yet most of us, don't want to change ourselves. There is something we can learn from every person we meet. I've come to recognize the significance of being kind. Kindness can break through barriers that nothing else can. It is in the act of showing kindness that others can feel a greater connection to us.
I've learned that God loves all of us the same and it is through our choices that determine how much of His love we let ourselves feel. His love for us will never change, but we sometimes do things that prevent us from feeling His love, at least not to its full extent. I realized that by shutting off a part of you that feels pain, you also shut off a part of you that feels His love. It leads to a lonely numbness... a feeling of being hollow and empty. I can recall moments of trying to make myself cry and I couldn't. Our feelings are what make us feel alive. When we shut them off, we lose that. I think every emotion should be embraced for what it is, it should be felt, and understood. I think pain is one of life's best teachers. Pain teaches us on a soul level. It makes us more aware of who we truly are.
It is normal for human beings to avoid pain. It is uncomfortable, uncertain, and demands our attention. Pain isn't something you can ignore for long. I saw a movie preview last week and heard something that really caused me to ponder. The quote was "there is no such thing as a pain free life". I started to think about all the millions of people around the world and not one of them will go through life without experiencing pain. We all feel it at different times to different extents. Pain is inevitable. We can't avoid it for long. Attempting to avoid pain requires us to give up something of ourselves... it requires closing off a piece of our hearts that truly make us who we are. We can't avoid pain without losing part of our identity in the process. I guess if I had to summarize what I have learned this past year, it would be this very concept. I think to some extent I lost part of who I was through my attempts to avoid pain.
Every year I find that my empathy is increased but it doesn't come at a cheap cost. Empathy comes from experiencing things that allow you to relate to others. It is those hard circumstances, those painful moments, that give you insights into how others are feeling. I suppose that is what this year was for me. It was, for the most part, extremely lonely. Living in Romania for 4 months, not knowing the language, and often times not feeling connected to others which led to a lot of time alone. I spent hours each day sitting in a small metal chair next to old wooden cribs filled with severely mentally disabled children who had been abandoned and some abused. My views of the world weren't so rosy after that. Many days the sadness of what I was experiencing was so overwhelming that all I wanted to do was sleep. I saw so many problems. My broken heart would break all over again every single day when I saw those children. I wished I could solve this problem, yet knew it was so much bigger than anything I could do. How are some people so fortunate and others not? Should I feel guilty for everything I have been given? Months later I can see how these experiences motivated me to do hard things that will lead to greater opportunities for me to be able to help others. I go back to the quote my mum used to tell me "you have been born to privilege and with that comes specific obligations". When she told me that she was usually referring to getting an education, being blessed with a knowledge of God, and my ability to help others who were not born into the same circumstances.
I learned this year that problems just don't go away. Avoiding issues doesn't make them less real. It is up to us to find solutions to the world's problems. Turning a blind eye won't solve anything, it just makes us ignorant. Since beginning my Masters program at St. Andrews, I have come to realize that we have so much more in common with others than we know. In fact, I believe we can find something in common with anyone we meet. Too often we focus on our differences and we let a wall form which causes close-mindedness. There are too many close-minded people inhabiting the world. Too many people that think their way is the only way and everyone else is wrong. Too many people who aren't willing to see things from another's perspective. If we want to change the world, we must first change the way we see the world... and that... is the real challenge. We say we want to change the world, yet most of us, don't want to change ourselves. There is something we can learn from every person we meet. I've come to recognize the significance of being kind. Kindness can break through barriers that nothing else can. It is in the act of showing kindness that others can feel a greater connection to us.
I've learned that God loves all of us the same and it is through our choices that determine how much of His love we let ourselves feel. His love for us will never change, but we sometimes do things that prevent us from feeling His love, at least not to its full extent. I realized that by shutting off a part of you that feels pain, you also shut off a part of you that feels His love. It leads to a lonely numbness... a feeling of being hollow and empty. I can recall moments of trying to make myself cry and I couldn't. Our feelings are what make us feel alive. When we shut them off, we lose that. I think every emotion should be embraced for what it is, it should be felt, and understood. I think pain is one of life's best teachers. Pain teaches us on a soul level. It makes us more aware of who we truly are.
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