Do you ever have those moments when you are all alone and you wonder to yourself "Am I where I want to be? Is this the life I want to be living or is there something different I should be doing?" I've been feeling that way recently and trying to reflect on what it is I really want. Today I am writing with no answers, just questions. Questions about what I want my life to look like, who I want to become, the type of person I want to share that with, the kind of kids I want to raise, the experiences I want to have, the things I want to learn, the places I want to go, the hobbies I want to develop, etc. etc. etc.... and I don't know. I don't know the answers to any of those questions. I feel stuck in a conundrum of sorts.
I'm a big believer in visualization and "seeing" the future you want to have as if you already have it. But... what if I don't have an image in mind? What if the image changes day to day? What if I can't decide... I mean, how are you supposed to know what you want when you don't know all the options. The vision of the future is just an idea... a thought. Something that sounds good in the moment, but once you have it, do you still want it?
Do you know the movie "You've Got Mail" with Meg Ryan... there is a scene where she stares at her computer... she attempts to type her thoughts, unsure of what to say, she closes the laptop. I feel like her. I feel full of thoughts and yet my mind is struggling to organize them. I think my thoughts are currently a collection of chaos. I find that writing on my blog helps me to organize my chaos and make sense of my questions. So that is what I hope will happen by the time I finish blogging today. I hope to know that maybe, just maybe... God has some answers for me. Some answers about my future that can help me better visualize where I want my life to go. I hope that maybe God can help me see the things I am blind to... the unknown. I know many people who believe in a God that does not know what the future holds. A God who gave us agency and therefore cannot fully know what choices we will make. I don't think I believe in that God. I think the God I believe in knows what will happen in the future. I say that because I feel like I have had many experiences where God has given me answers letting me know what is around the corner... whether through dreams or thoughts or things... He gives me insight. I can't explain it, but I always know when He is doing it.
So today, I pray that my God will continue to shine light on what is ahead. To give me that increase of motivation to go forward and not feel stuck. It's funny how time and experiences can change our thoughts and beliefs about the world. They have the power to change what we want in our future. I feel like that has happened to me and I feel like it has taken almost ten years to get to where I am today. Ten years of small tweaks in my belief system that slowly broke down what I thought I knew and grew into things that I choose to believe. With time, experiences, and some maturity, I have come to believe that none of us really know... we just choose to believe. I actually find that to be more powerful than claiming to know the truth, because it's something within our control. It's something we literally choose every day. Some days those beliefs waver a bit, and other days we feel so strong about them that we almost... almost... can say with absolute surety, that we know. Those moments are fleeting, but I think they help carry us through the moments of doubt and questioning.
I can honestly say that I don't know what I used to claim to know... but I do know that every day I choose to believe. Every day I wake up and choose to believe in a God who knows the future; a God who loves me and knows what will make me happy. I choose to believe in a God who champions love. A God who embodies love. A God who is love. That is the God I choose to believe is my father. A father that I love and believe has my best interests at heart. A God who understands that currently I don't know what I really want in my future and also a God who knows what that future is going to look like. A God who is guiding me every day. I like to think He gives me hints to get me to where He knows I would want to go. I'm grateful for that.
Life really is funny, isn't it. We study and learn things so that we can know. Then when we think we know, we learn new things that make us question what we thought we knew, and we find ourselves studying again in order to learn so that we can know. It's a continuing cycle. Maybe we aren't supposed to know. Maybe we are just supposed to learn and let knowledge change us over time. Maybe life was never about knowing, but more about learning. I feel like that's something God wants me to know. I almost feel like knowing implies there is an absolute surety that it is truth. I feel like when we claim to know something we have zero doubt and we believe that nothing we learn will change that truth. When what we know may really be only part of the truth. There is always more to learn.
Maybe right now, it's not important that I see exactly how my future plays out. Maybe right now, God just wants me to trust in Him that it will work out. It might be a time in my life for me to choose to believe that He knows what is ahead and trust that He will guide me there. Perhaps God wants me to spend my time learning instead of knowing. Learning tends to imply an action is involved... reading, studying, reflecting, questioning, searching, etc. Knowing requires no action. Knowing is stagnant. To say you know, is to claim to have reached the end of the road. It implies you cannot go any further because you're already there... there is no where else for you to go. The learning stops. I think faith requires action. Which I would then infer that learning is important if not critical to having faith. If you know something, there is no action required. In fact, there is no possible action to take. You're stopped. You're not progressing. Knowledge needs no faith. Faith requires having confidence in God and trusting He knows what is best for us. The very act of learning requires us to have faith because we have to place our confidence in someone that knows more. We rely on them to reveal to us more truth. That new truth expands our understanding and enhances/alters our beliefs. There is so much growth that comes from learning. If we really did know, what changes would we ever make? What would possibly cause us to change? I think it is learning that triggers change. I think the enlightenment we receive from learning is one of God's greatest tools to inspire us and motivate us to do something different with our lives.
I think that to learn is to change.
Maybe right now God just wants me to learn. Maybe it's important that those answers to my questions come with time through various experiences. They may not be something he wants me to know right now, but rather something for me to learn as time goes on.
I must admit this may be one of the most interesting blog posts I've ever written, in the sense that none of these things crossed my mind until I started typing. Yet, I feel more clarity now than I did an hour ago. I feel a strong desire to continue learning and trying to deepen my understanding of life. I feel better knowing that I don't need to know all the answers right now. It makes me excited to think of the experiences I will have that will give me the insights I am seeking.
I'm a big believer in visualization and "seeing" the future you want to have as if you already have it. But... what if I don't have an image in mind? What if the image changes day to day? What if I can't decide... I mean, how are you supposed to know what you want when you don't know all the options. The vision of the future is just an idea... a thought. Something that sounds good in the moment, but once you have it, do you still want it?
Do you know the movie "You've Got Mail" with Meg Ryan... there is a scene where she stares at her computer... she attempts to type her thoughts, unsure of what to say, she closes the laptop. I feel like her. I feel full of thoughts and yet my mind is struggling to organize them. I think my thoughts are currently a collection of chaos. I find that writing on my blog helps me to organize my chaos and make sense of my questions. So that is what I hope will happen by the time I finish blogging today. I hope to know that maybe, just maybe... God has some answers for me. Some answers about my future that can help me better visualize where I want my life to go. I hope that maybe God can help me see the things I am blind to... the unknown. I know many people who believe in a God that does not know what the future holds. A God who gave us agency and therefore cannot fully know what choices we will make. I don't think I believe in that God. I think the God I believe in knows what will happen in the future. I say that because I feel like I have had many experiences where God has given me answers letting me know what is around the corner... whether through dreams or thoughts or things... He gives me insight. I can't explain it, but I always know when He is doing it.
So today, I pray that my God will continue to shine light on what is ahead. To give me that increase of motivation to go forward and not feel stuck. It's funny how time and experiences can change our thoughts and beliefs about the world. They have the power to change what we want in our future. I feel like that has happened to me and I feel like it has taken almost ten years to get to where I am today. Ten years of small tweaks in my belief system that slowly broke down what I thought I knew and grew into things that I choose to believe. With time, experiences, and some maturity, I have come to believe that none of us really know... we just choose to believe. I actually find that to be more powerful than claiming to know the truth, because it's something within our control. It's something we literally choose every day. Some days those beliefs waver a bit, and other days we feel so strong about them that we almost... almost... can say with absolute surety, that we know. Those moments are fleeting, but I think they help carry us through the moments of doubt and questioning.
I can honestly say that I don't know what I used to claim to know... but I do know that every day I choose to believe. Every day I wake up and choose to believe in a God who knows the future; a God who loves me and knows what will make me happy. I choose to believe in a God who champions love. A God who embodies love. A God who is love. That is the God I choose to believe is my father. A father that I love and believe has my best interests at heart. A God who understands that currently I don't know what I really want in my future and also a God who knows what that future is going to look like. A God who is guiding me every day. I like to think He gives me hints to get me to where He knows I would want to go. I'm grateful for that.
Life really is funny, isn't it. We study and learn things so that we can know. Then when we think we know, we learn new things that make us question what we thought we knew, and we find ourselves studying again in order to learn so that we can know. It's a continuing cycle. Maybe we aren't supposed to know. Maybe we are just supposed to learn and let knowledge change us over time. Maybe life was never about knowing, but more about learning. I feel like that's something God wants me to know. I almost feel like knowing implies there is an absolute surety that it is truth. I feel like when we claim to know something we have zero doubt and we believe that nothing we learn will change that truth. When what we know may really be only part of the truth. There is always more to learn.
Maybe right now, it's not important that I see exactly how my future plays out. Maybe right now, God just wants me to trust in Him that it will work out. It might be a time in my life for me to choose to believe that He knows what is ahead and trust that He will guide me there. Perhaps God wants me to spend my time learning instead of knowing. Learning tends to imply an action is involved... reading, studying, reflecting, questioning, searching, etc. Knowing requires no action. Knowing is stagnant. To say you know, is to claim to have reached the end of the road. It implies you cannot go any further because you're already there... there is no where else for you to go. The learning stops. I think faith requires action. Which I would then infer that learning is important if not critical to having faith. If you know something, there is no action required. In fact, there is no possible action to take. You're stopped. You're not progressing. Knowledge needs no faith. Faith requires having confidence in God and trusting He knows what is best for us. The very act of learning requires us to have faith because we have to place our confidence in someone that knows more. We rely on them to reveal to us more truth. That new truth expands our understanding and enhances/alters our beliefs. There is so much growth that comes from learning. If we really did know, what changes would we ever make? What would possibly cause us to change? I think it is learning that triggers change. I think the enlightenment we receive from learning is one of God's greatest tools to inspire us and motivate us to do something different with our lives.
I think that to learn is to change.
Maybe right now God just wants me to learn. Maybe it's important that those answers to my questions come with time through various experiences. They may not be something he wants me to know right now, but rather something for me to learn as time goes on.
I must admit this may be one of the most interesting blog posts I've ever written, in the sense that none of these things crossed my mind until I started typing. Yet, I feel more clarity now than I did an hour ago. I feel a strong desire to continue learning and trying to deepen my understanding of life. I feel better knowing that I don't need to know all the answers right now. It makes me excited to think of the experiences I will have that will give me the insights I am seeking.
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